My Dirge Unto You

My dirge is for those of plenty,
Those who come for dollars, leave for pennies,
A heart opened is a delicate thing, my loves,
Defenseless and fluttering, as the flight of doves,
Hold your tears, tired and weak ones,
Your life shall surely be shot to death with emotional guns.
Curse the trustee, love the martyr, directions going everywhere,
Hold your peace at this time, it is not correct to pull out your hair,
Lessons learned, choices made,
Trust is not a simple stockade,
Lights come, lights go, darkness may swallow you whole,
You need not dig yourself deep, you were not created as a mole.
Unholy dirge of woe, closest to the soul,
Time has yet to heal your bleeding hole,
Non waking you are reminded of painful realities,
Reminding you of certain actualities.
Love is sincere, never wandering, never changing.
Love is the Lord, never leaving, never changing.
Give us the wisdom to go on, rebuild on your time, or fall apart forever.
My dirge unto You, heal my bloodless my heart oh Lord.

Part Two ~ Broken Sentences & Dual Paragraphs.

World building in something entirely fictional created from the ground-up in your mind is ludicrously difficult by itself, but when you yourself are as disorganized as I am, it becomes downright stressful. Like a chimney that has smoke gushing up through it, but the top is clogged.
That said, when everything actually goes right it becomes so, so worth it.

This world, planet in this instance, that I am attempting to unearth as the setting of my hopefully interesting story is separated into continents, and thus has its own residents and groups according to its areas, though the inhabitants do intermingle greatly of course. This is probably where a little Bionicle influence comes into play. And why not? It was the first world that truly enveloped me and forced my creative powers to skyrocket with such unique, interesting locals and natives. The problem with this is it would be awful useful to have a map of the place, akin to what can be found in any Middle-Earth books. I'll probably have to draw one, even though I can't draw. Maybe later this week if I get the chance.

It's probably going to get a little tiresome hearing me go on about Vessel. There isn't much of it set in stone, and it could be years before I can get it published and it will doubtlessly go through a lot of changes. It may just be able to be independently published online someday. Yeek. I never read full books online, on a screen or anything, so that would be quite ironic. A little bit of a mourning from a tired writer, apologies. On with the creative process. The last paragraph gave me an idea however, so I think that will birth something more substantial in the coming weeks...

Before getting into the meat of this, which will be smaller than originally intentioned (by a long shot, sorry! More of a tasty tidbit to hold over until my other idea comes together soon, very soon...) A dream I once had was for books I loved to come with soundtracks inspired by the story & world. Imagine reading The Magician's Nephew and getting a short disc with some beautiful scores to suit the moods. Vessel is sort of going in reverse with that, music inspires a good bit of the tone and creative juices within it. I'll make a playlist containing some of that, if anyone is curious. (There is going to be a lot of Starset.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Galen's eyes slowly fluttered open, alighting on the stone cave ceiling. He sat up with a start, and instantly regretted it as pain engulfed his back. With a wince he laid himself back down slowly, trying to remember how he'd lost consciousness. He swiveled his head to the right without pain.
       Good, I can still move my head. It was then he noticed the pile of rubble several feet from where he lay. The cave in... too many charges... must have ignited the vein. He wasn't aware that the Substance was flammable. But then, he was new to the job. Why wouldn't the other, more experienced workers warn him of the danger? As he pondered this he realized the room should have been plunged into darkness if it wasn't for the various Substance veins still present in the rock formations surrounding him. If it wasn't for that ominous, bluish-green light he would probably think himself dead or in some empty afterlife. Neither seemed too bad compared to his current situation. He was trapped in a small pocket of a vast cavern, likely cut off from fresh air sources, practically paralyzed due likely injuries in his spine. I'll have to force myself up eventually, he painfully lifted his arm to swab his sweaty forehead and disheveled black hair, One bit of pain at a time. It took all of his energy to muster the strength to push through the pain of lifting his arm. How much harder would it be to stand, let alone walk? A liquid began to leak into his eyes and burn, with a grunt he wiped it from his eyes to see it was blood. His hand was badly cut in multiple places from the cave-in and had rubbed off on his face without him realizing. I guess add blood infection to the list of problems, heh. 

He lied there for another 10 minutes in silence, eye closed, knowing he needed time to attempt to stand. He ached, the air cramped and stale (dust still drifting about the air from the rockslide) and the only sound being a soft, steady dripping sound from somewhere in the room. Where is that come from? Galen finally asked himself after the sound got too repetitive for him to stand any longer. He tilted his head toward the sound and noticed one of the Substance's veins was penetrated, dripping its strange essence onto the cave floor. I guess I could add that to my work quota... if that was ever going to matter anymore. And who knows? Maybe they'll notice I'm gone, come back for me. No, there's too many workers, too little supervisors, much less any that actually care about us breaking our backs down here. He chuckled at the 'breaking his back' saying, such irony that it actually may have occurred. The Substance continued its trickle and drop routine without break, echoing through the dank prison Galen knew would almost certainly be his tomb. ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Apologies for typos)
Godbless,
~ Tanner.

Part One ~ The World of _______

Welcome to the world of _____. I have not a definite name yes, so I will leave it as that. It is not a very large world, but holds enough planetary space for three main continents and 8 territories with numerous cities, towns, trading posts, and several ancient kingdoms. It’s a naturally building world, similar to our own Earth. This land was inspired originally by the film Treasure Planet, or rather the small world of Montressor and its moon spacesport. I was fascinated by the 1600s atmosphere merged with classic science fiction goodness, and I still am fascinated with it. As a result I can see this story having a good bit of, eh, ‘steampunk’ vibes to it. There are farms, trading post areas that can take up a good few miles of space, mountain regions, frigid regions upon the north and south poles, and a good chunk of the planet has yet to be explored. That lack of exploration into the Eastern hemisphere of the planet is largely due to a lack of quick transportation and a general fear of the unknown.

Multiple races dwell upon the surface, with differing allegiances, goals and values. The elf-like Taleen, the horned Nurukk, the man-equivalent Homme, and the eternally hooded Charusk are a few of the main species dominating the main life on ______. There are a variety of beast of course, from the Mehlik (bread primarily for food) to the rare (thankfully so) and terrifyingly monstrous Wool beasts, there has always been a bit of a struggle to survive, as there is with any frontier. However in the last century, it seems order has finally settled onto ______ and government has began to assert varying kingdoms, leaving most to die out or conform to the new, more profitable way of life. With a few exceptions (such as the Nurukk and Charusk) life among the species has become quite adjoined with one another. Sadly, some racism and elitism still exists among the species from a previous conflict.

There are characters from many of these races heavily involved in the storyline, some of which from other species yet to be introduced. Vorusk U-Vor II, Torrent, Galen, Elysia, and a bounty of others will be introduced in good time, and a lot more light shed upon _____. That’s a great name isn’t it, ______. Just rolls off the tongue don’t you think?

Godbless,

~ Tanner. (note I didn't look over for typos, oh dear.)

The Prologue of A Dream.

So, in 2013 I had an idea for something. It has literally gone through so many changes it is almost nothing like the original idea. And probably for the better, considering the original would probably get thrust into the disastrous Young Adult teen novel sections. How you grow, what you read and watch (and in my case, what games you play) can really influence what kind of stories you want to make and how the characters go, especially in age. In this case, really glad that happened. This blog was partially created to convey bits and pieces, maybe even chapters of what I'm trying to create. My lack of ability to draw can really hinder the creative process... but Lord willing I can still do what I wish to do for a career... someday.


I reckon I'll start off by describing some core concepts, some character prototypes, and where this story of mine takes place. One thing that has stayed consistent with my original idea is that this is a science fantasy universe, combining elements of science fiction with dark fantasy. I also always wanted this to be... an Adventure. Elements of other kinds of story genre's are here, drama, thriller, mystery, some rambunctious comedic elements. Maybe down the line a little romantic drivel, but not near the beginning at all. But in the end, tis an Adventure, inspired by ye Hobbits of old.


That said I'll be making this a bit of a series, with this post as the prologue since I am short on time. I shall leave you mainly with a name, which you can obsess over and try to figure out what it will relate to. Or you will forget by the next blog post. Whichever you prefer.


Thank you for possibly joining me on the journey I call, Vessel.

Communication.

Sometimes I wonder just how well we communicate as friends, as people with a draw to fellowship.

I shan't name any of the people I may mention here. But lately I've noticed how poor communication has led to the crippling or near destruction of previously lovely friendships. Why did that occur? Because someone and myself were not on the same ground, and neither addressed one another. Instead there was only a period of stepping away from each other entirely without any grace, only a long stretch of awkwardness and, for me, a troubled spirit.

I love my friends, and I want them to know that. I love how they strive for godliness, to put Jesus at the epicenter of their lives, even if they may stumble, they will march on.

But the experience of the past months has left me in confusion. Why do we not confront each other anymore? Why do we hide away? Why do we bottle up and set out to sea the issues that should be conveyed to our offender?

Why do we not come together as Jesus told us to?


Godbless, Love.

~T.J.H.

So, Who's Tanner? (Short Intro.)

So, I probably don't have more than one or two people I don't know in real life reading my little blog.

But, just in case....
I thought I'd make a short little introductory to Tanner Hayden, brief so it doesn't become too much of a ramble (it will become a ramble I promise) but enough so that you feel like you kinda know me better by the end of it. :) It's going to be a hodgepodge of useless facts, but here goes nothing.. XD


I'm nineteen years old. That technically makes me an adult, but still a teen. And yet, I rarely feel like either. XD I am a born-again Christian, have been homeschooled up until college, live in the midwestern United States, and am pretty weird overall. I have two siblings, a brother and a sister... and they're both 9 years older than me, so I've been living as the last child(?) left at home for about ten years. I have a lot of quiet and alone time, which is both nice but kinda lonely sometimes. I'm trying to (slowly) write a book to be published sometime in the next five years, and am learning guitar right now too. Even slower. XP

I love music, writing, gaming, reading, family and friends, cute critters (even if they don't usually love me XD) and Mountain Dew. I have a collection of Mountain Dew cans. Told you things were gonna start getting random and weird pretty fast.

I like listening to a ton of different kinds of music, from metal to classical to rock to some kinds of pop and world and.... well, I try not to genre and sub-genre everything. I have a little Youtube playlist of some songs I love, if anyone is curious. :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXcrEVFZOXs&list=PLGhQVSXNp0d9YBFn9__rfG2wg8PNChFbp


Some of my favorite game series are Metroid, Jak and Daxter, Sonic the Hedgehog, Rayman, and Star Fox. (Not so much into stuff like Call of Duty or Halo, just not my thing. ;) )
Some favorite books include The Bible (duh XD), The Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit (especially the Hobbit), the Space Trilogy, and Accidental Detectives. I'm reading That Hideous Strength by C.S. Lewis right now and am loving it. <3

I have three Youtube channels. My private one, my formerly main channel where I did gameplay videos and stuff... one of the videos I did on there got over a thousand views somehow. Don't look it up though, it's terrible. XD And my third is a shared one with the older brother of my friend Elisabeth Sullivan, where we do really awful Bionicle ad-lib comedy videos and stopmotions.

I struggle with intense anxiety sometimes, especially in the last three months since having my first major panic attack. I'm improving slowly through, with God's strength and my loving family. :) I ran into a brick wall when I was 5 and needed stitches and still have a faint scar on my forehead. That's it for my medical/health history. XP

Maybe I'll revise/add onto this sometime. I mainly started this blog to post some story tidbits, bits of poems and songs and the occasional journal-ish update. Anyone is open to read them... though they might confuse you a little out of context. XP I hope you enjoy wading in my little Glass Ocean of Thought. :)

Godbless ~ <3

There, And Back Again. (In a different meaning.)

Often in a gathering of friends we have fun, sometimes share smiles and laughs and meaningful conversations. But sometimes I simply must exit for a time, either due to a senses overload or I realize something is bringing me down. Retreating to, say, a restroom or quiet corner and playing music or (especially) singing to myself is my favorite thing to do when I must vacate for a time. 

I enjoy small groups of friends, but I guess deep down I always prefer one or two people conversations. I think in groups most of us have a tendency to follow or listen to whoever is making the most noise rather than who is actually trying to speak to us. I do that sometimes as well. 

In the end, Thank the Lord for restrooms I guess. :) I do so love seeing treasured souls and faces.

What Is In a Title, Titular Name Here?

Today has been simply lovely.


For I can find little other description for what hath captivated me this day.
Speech hath come clear, poetic verse is upon my tongue and my heart sings a constant song,
Love hath surrounded me, and self discrimination hath been bound.

There is a constant smile upon my face, and there is joy in my heart,
White fragments of a bygone season graced me upon my walk,
And I felt them melt deep within my heart.

I have read, I have dreamed, and I have had no lack of my water-wheel's movement.
Emotion drips forth, and no apathy is within the air.



For I love you all. 

~ T.J.H. 

A little Post-Jam update of life.

So lately I've been doing some internal cleanup.

I've found I have more control over how I feel in certain situations than I originally thought I did. During a bout of extremely loud Sullivan ruckus during Elijah/Emma's joint birthday party I felt fairly terrible for a time. I thought I was going to have to request to return home early. 

The end result? I was fine. Why was I fine? I remembered what my thoughts were compared to what I should be thinking. I just had to remember... I wasn't surrounded by chaos and noise. I was surrounded by some of my best friends, God was inside me and all of them and they were all smiling.

That calmed me considerably, enough that I was able to stay around. A similar situation arose tonight at Winter Jam. After an hour or two I had just sort of mentally had it and started shaking a good bit and just didn't feel correct.

Some niceness from Elijah, Emma and co definitely helped. But I had to change my thoughts as well, so I did. 

And I turned out fine. That has been so, so encouraging. 

Every so and so, not very often but often enough to be needed, I do a sort of review of the people in my life. I ask myself questions about them and me, and view how near or far from my heart they are. 

I've been doing that in the last two days, and I think I know where everyone now aligns for me. Something that usually stresses me is not knowing where I currently/recently align in someone else's life. I don't know why, really for years it has though. Sometimes I just ache inside and want to sit down some persons and ask them directly when I think about it too much. I'm learning not to yearn for that knowledge however, as long as I know where everyone else is for me.... it should be fine, aye. Growing.

God is good. 

Tonight at Winter Jam was stressful at times, but lovely at others. I nearly cried from testimonies multiple times... that's not regular in the least. But it was beautiful, I think everyone had a very good time. It was wonderful seeing a person or two that I didn't expect to see, as well. 

I am tired. Sleepy. And not proof-reading this. Goodnight, family, acquaintances and friends.

~ Tanner. 

First of all, I wrote this is in different periods. Different days, different states of mind. Consider it a bit of a public journal entry of sorts... posting for reasons I'll go into deeper detail during the course of these scattered letters. The first half is composed of previous dates - the rest, this current evening.  Also Zurg illustrates how I felt after writing this palooza.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm going to be quite truthful with this blog post, as it's technically my first blog 'post' rather than a little update or a story snippet.

After today I wanted to play some physical role in Academy, more than I ever have. Listening to everyone pray, feeling the love and worship that just everyone glows with on this wonderous week of weeks....

I accomplished a first; I wept silently in public for half an hour in the hallway just across from the boy's dressing room. For several reasons. I love everyone here/there more than I think anyone really knows. I felt like by not being able to come into my predestined roles, small as they were, I was letting everyone down in a way. Like I was letting all of you and God down by letting my body guide my actions. I was praying for everyone and for myself, because I did not know what to do. When I came to Academy today, the first person to greet me was Jacob and he said he wanted to know if I was mentally-well enough to perhaps just play the role of Father.

I prayed about that for at least... as long as I was upstairs, along with other things. The more I prayed the more I thought like I should accept his offer, but I was terrified and I realized I was scared out of my mind of letting everyone down in case my health would strike back. Then I would get conflicting signs, or feelings, in the strangest of ways with no real explanation. I would see Elisabeth walk by and suddenly feel like I would be the most help to her and everyone if I was mentally free to put the entirety of my heart and mind in prayer. But then I wondered if that was just Satan tempting me to find ways to say no to being physically involved. I was scared and I cried and I prayed. Rinse and repeat for a good while.

I left the building with the burning desire to be a part of Academy physically one more time. That was my Tanner-driven goal.

Then my heart rate and shakes of this evening told me something different.

God has his own plans. I now know in my heart that my soul and body will heal most correctly if I'm not as intimately involved with Academy physically as I had hoped. Everyone has an eternal outpouring of prayer from me, and I'll probably be crying again as I watch you all from either the crowd or hearing you from backstage - wherever the Lord wills I be. I don't entirely know why I'm posting this - I hope it does not cause any of thee the slightest tremor of worry or sadness. I've felt like I conceal far, far too much since this anxiety hit so hard and I want to feel more open to those I hold dear.

If you have patiently waded through this jumble of words, sentences and sentence fragments from your humble Tanner then I thank you and bless you.

I love you.

~ Tanner, 2/9/17 (Edited partially for clarity.)

-Update, 2/11/17

Today is the day, everyone. I'll be watching from the audience at what God's prepared. I cannot wait to see you all up there ministering as only you could with the Lord's strengthening. Have fun, you won't see all this malarkey until the day of or after. Praying and will be captivated with the rest of the audience, I'm certain. <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now we come to the present. For some reason I don't particularly enjoy making blog posts about myself. I guess I don't feel like the entirety of larger-scale message like this is worth being dedicated to my own person. Insecurity problems perhaps?

My mental meltdown was caused last Saturday because I do not vent, hardly at all. Even to those I love. Because of that, I've decided on something different. The walls are down. If anyone is ever curious about anything I've said or haven't said, please, ask. I will promise an answer of complete truth.

My obsession with personal identity is partially at fault too. I don't know how to explain it, but... ahg. An example is Lissie's blog and Youtube channel. The thought of putting my face on Youtube for anyone to see terrified me for some reason, like nobody deserved to see my face if they didn't know who I was. And the thought of opening up to various people, even dear friends, via a public blog and revealing a decent deal much about what has been personally on my mind... I can't word it correctly but it struck fear into the deepest part of my heart, and rather intimidates me still.

At the risk of sounding like Yoda, bravery she has.

But deep down inside I wanted to have that mental freedom. And once again I came to the formerly invisible barrier: Fear.

I have been a fearful person at this time of my life. One time I even tried to pray by myself at church alone at night but simply couldn't because I felt like any second someone would come up behind me and stick a knife in my back in the silence. That sounds comical in retrospect, ehe...

I am changing this. During that week away from everyone I realized that to separate myself from those trustworthy is to destroy myself. For whatever reason I haven't found the ability to cry much in the last year, even if I wanted to and needed to. I've nearly done it thrice since the episode at Academy during prayer, though. It's debatable about whether or not that's a positive but it's felt better.

This is getting frightfully long and is going into the ground at this point, so I suppose I shall end it for now. There is honestly so much more.... Maybe for another day or in more private settings, if desired. This whole blog feels like one long sentence fragment of a mind's thoughts, largely due to thoughts on Academy and those in it. Like I said, another time, or more personally...

Thank you.

I love you. Truly.

~ Tanner Hayden

Mystica

Her bright violet eyes sleepily fluttered open, their gaze falling on the soaring treetops above. Between the thick blanket of branches and leaves, the moon’s rays creeped in, baking her in their pale, pure light. The girl smiled. It was time.

Sitting up from her bed of goldenrod, the girl blinked several times; accustoming back to reality. She wiped a speck from her eyes, shaking off the last traces of sleep. Easing herself out of bed, her silky white dress draped along the ground, causing each blade of grass to tingle and ring. She stepped forward knowingly into the woods around her, following the grassy path she had followed for years.  With each step she took deeper into the forest of moonlight, there was a musical ting. She smiled. The girl never tired of her daily passion; her reason for living. She waved a hand toward a nearby rose bush. Every flower flickered and hummed in harp-like symphony. She turned her gaze toward a row of lilacs. With another sweep of the hand, they swung and jingled in a bell like fashion. She giggled softly, even that forming a tiny melodic song. Within a few minutes she reached her favorite spot in the entire forest; her own little paradise among paradise.

She entered the smallish clearing in the forest, with a pool of clear, pure water in the center. A waterfall cascading from a stone hill above it; the moonlight reflecting off the water gave an aurora of pure beauty to the whole area. Flowers surrounded the clearing, which the girl peacefully made her way through. She came to the pool, its surface smooth and clear as polished glass, and simply let her mind wander. Minutes passed without a sound as she cleared her mind of any thought. Then, exhaling contently, the girl reached down and stroked the surface of the pool. The melodic chimes echoed throughout the clearing and out through the entire forest. Her silken white dress seemed to float off the ground as she felt utterly weightless. Her raven black hair waved majestically in an invisible wind of harmony. Closing her eyes and breathing in deeply, she stuck both arms directly out to her sides. Gathering her energy and concentrating, she gracefully began to spin on the tips of her toes. At first she began slowly, but soon picked up speed, though still as graceful as before. Then with a great leap, she flew into the air, waving her arms together calmly. Eyes still closed, she didn’t have to see what she was doing. She had been doing this for almost as long as she could remember. All around her, the flowers, the grass, the pool itself, hummed in unison. With each turn of her hands, the sound or tone changed. She touched back down to the ground, eyes shut but grinning in satisfaction. Then without warning, her eyes burst open and she sprinted around the clearing, arms wide out. The clearing’s chimes rose and fell with her movements, creating one of her favorite songs. It was her very first she had learned; the one her mother had taught her all those years ago. She pushed the thoughts from her mind however, as this required her full attention. She laughed joyfully as she jumped high into the air once more, this time nearly touching the tree top surface. She twirled on her way down, creating the chorus of the song in the process. Though she landed without an audible sound, the grass all around her bowed as if being pushed by a strong wind in a ripple effect. She had almost reached the end; her favorite part! She whispered the words her mother had taught her long before, in a language forgotten by all save for herself and the forest around her. At the sound of her words, the nature around her chimed and jingled into a single, great melody that would make the ears of anyone tingle, had anyone else been present. She uttered a single, final, word that she stretched out for about ten seconds. The pool created the most beautiful sounds of everything in the clearing, and it what was closed out the song. As the final sounds receded from her ears, the girl silently sat down. She smiled again; there was no way she could truly describe the way she felt during her music creation. It was as if the entire universe seemed to fade away, and all that could ever matter was the chords of of the songs.

Her favorite song always cleared up her deeper thoughts. She was having far too many of those lately. She had everything she could ever ask for in her home, and yet something still had been bothering her. Like a hole in her heart, one that she didn’t know how to fill or what to fill it with. Sighing, her smile faded. She absentmindedly twirled some grass, the sound bringing some ease to her mind. She had been doing this for nearly her entire life, hundreds of years at least. What was making it different now?

She glanced skyward, through the dense spider web of branches and toward the shower of moonlight. Was there something else, something out there that she was meant to find to fill this hole? Shaking her head, she lowered it back to the ground. There was no leaving her home, she wasn’t even sure if it was possible. She frowned. She had come here to get her mind off these thoughts, not to dwell on them. Shutting her eyes and exhaling in relief, she began to bend her fingers back and forth, beginning another song in the beautiful clearing. Her smile returned slowly as the melodies took hold of her heart. Nothing ever felt so right until she was in this mood. And if there was another way… she didn’t think about it. Not now. Maybe not ever.

She began her spin, the song picking up to chorus once more.