First of all, I wrote this is in different periods. Different days, different states of mind. Consider it a bit of a public journal entry of sorts... posting for reasons I'll go into deeper detail during the course of these scattered letters. The first half is composed of previous dates - the rest, this current evening.  Also Zurg illustrates how I felt after writing this palooza.

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I'm going to be quite truthful with this blog post, as it's technically my first blog 'post' rather than a little update or a story snippet.

After today I wanted to play some physical role in Academy, more than I ever have. Listening to everyone pray, feeling the love and worship that just everyone glows with on this wonderous week of weeks....

I accomplished a first; I wept silently in public for half an hour in the hallway just across from the boy's dressing room. For several reasons. I love everyone here/there more than I think anyone really knows. I felt like by not being able to come into my predestined roles, small as they were, I was letting everyone down in a way. Like I was letting all of you and God down by letting my body guide my actions. I was praying for everyone and for myself, because I did not know what to do. When I came to Academy today, the first person to greet me was Jacob and he said he wanted to know if I was mentally-well enough to perhaps just play the role of Father.

I prayed about that for at least... as long as I was upstairs, along with other things. The more I prayed the more I thought like I should accept his offer, but I was terrified and I realized I was scared out of my mind of letting everyone down in case my health would strike back. Then I would get conflicting signs, or feelings, in the strangest of ways with no real explanation. I would see Elisabeth walk by and suddenly feel like I would be the most help to her and everyone if I was mentally free to put the entirety of my heart and mind in prayer. But then I wondered if that was just Satan tempting me to find ways to say no to being physically involved. I was scared and I cried and I prayed. Rinse and repeat for a good while.

I left the building with the burning desire to be a part of Academy physically one more time. That was my Tanner-driven goal.

Then my heart rate and shakes of this evening told me something different.

God has his own plans. I now know in my heart that my soul and body will heal most correctly if I'm not as intimately involved with Academy physically as I had hoped. Everyone has an eternal outpouring of prayer from me, and I'll probably be crying again as I watch you all from either the crowd or hearing you from backstage - wherever the Lord wills I be. I don't entirely know why I'm posting this - I hope it does not cause any of thee the slightest tremor of worry or sadness. I've felt like I conceal far, far too much since this anxiety hit so hard and I want to feel more open to those I hold dear.

If you have patiently waded through this jumble of words, sentences and sentence fragments from your humble Tanner then I thank you and bless you.

I love you.

~ Tanner, 2/9/17 (Edited partially for clarity.)

-Update, 2/11/17

Today is the day, everyone. I'll be watching from the audience at what God's prepared. I cannot wait to see you all up there ministering as only you could with the Lord's strengthening. Have fun, you won't see all this malarkey until the day of or after. Praying and will be captivated with the rest of the audience, I'm certain. <3

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And now we come to the present. For some reason I don't particularly enjoy making blog posts about myself. I guess I don't feel like the entirety of larger-scale message like this is worth being dedicated to my own person. Insecurity problems perhaps?

My mental meltdown was caused last Saturday because I do not vent, hardly at all. Even to those I love. Because of that, I've decided on something different. The walls are down. If anyone is ever curious about anything I've said or haven't said, please, ask. I will promise an answer of complete truth.

My obsession with personal identity is partially at fault too. I don't know how to explain it, but... ahg. An example is Lissie's blog and Youtube channel. The thought of putting my face on Youtube for anyone to see terrified me for some reason, like nobody deserved to see my face if they didn't know who I was. And the thought of opening up to various people, even dear friends, via a public blog and revealing a decent deal much about what has been personally on my mind... I can't word it correctly but it struck fear into the deepest part of my heart, and rather intimidates me still.

At the risk of sounding like Yoda, bravery she has.

But deep down inside I wanted to have that mental freedom. And once again I came to the formerly invisible barrier: Fear.

I have been a fearful person at this time of my life. One time I even tried to pray by myself at church alone at night but simply couldn't because I felt like any second someone would come up behind me and stick a knife in my back in the silence. That sounds comical in retrospect, ehe...

I am changing this. During that week away from everyone I realized that to separate myself from those trustworthy is to destroy myself. For whatever reason I haven't found the ability to cry much in the last year, even if I wanted to and needed to. I've nearly done it thrice since the episode at Academy during prayer, though. It's debatable about whether or not that's a positive but it's felt better.

This is getting frightfully long and is going into the ground at this point, so I suppose I shall end it for now. There is honestly so much more.... Maybe for another day or in more private settings, if desired. This whole blog feels like one long sentence fragment of a mind's thoughts, largely due to thoughts on Academy and those in it. Like I said, another time, or more personally...

Thank you.

I love you. Truly.

~ Tanner Hayden