What Is In a Title, Titular Name Here?

Today has been simply lovely.


For I can find little other description for what hath captivated me this day.
Speech hath come clear, poetic verse is upon my tongue and my heart sings a constant song,
Love hath surrounded me, and self discrimination hath been bound.

There is a constant smile upon my face, and there is joy in my heart,
White fragments of a bygone season graced me upon my walk,
And I felt them melt deep within my heart.

I have read, I have dreamed, and I have had no lack of my water-wheel's movement.
Emotion drips forth, and no apathy is within the air.



For I love you all. 

~ T.J.H. 

A little Post-Jam update of life.

So lately I've been doing some internal cleanup.

I've found I have more control over how I feel in certain situations than I originally thought I did. During a bout of extremely loud Sullivan ruckus during Elijah/Emma's joint birthday party I felt fairly terrible for a time. I thought I was going to have to request to return home early. 

The end result? I was fine. Why was I fine? I remembered what my thoughts were compared to what I should be thinking. I just had to remember... I wasn't surrounded by chaos and noise. I was surrounded by some of my best friends, God was inside me and all of them and they were all smiling.

That calmed me considerably, enough that I was able to stay around. A similar situation arose tonight at Winter Jam. After an hour or two I had just sort of mentally had it and started shaking a good bit and just didn't feel correct.

Some niceness from Elijah, Emma and co definitely helped. But I had to change my thoughts as well, so I did. 

And I turned out fine. That has been so, so encouraging. 

Every so and so, not very often but often enough to be needed, I do a sort of review of the people in my life. I ask myself questions about them and me, and view how near or far from my heart they are. 

I've been doing that in the last two days, and I think I know where everyone now aligns for me. Something that usually stresses me is not knowing where I currently/recently align in someone else's life. I don't know why, really for years it has though. Sometimes I just ache inside and want to sit down some persons and ask them directly when I think about it too much. I'm learning not to yearn for that knowledge however, as long as I know where everyone else is for me.... it should be fine, aye. Growing.

God is good. 

Tonight at Winter Jam was stressful at times, but lovely at others. I nearly cried from testimonies multiple times... that's not regular in the least. But it was beautiful, I think everyone had a very good time. It was wonderful seeing a person or two that I didn't expect to see, as well. 

I am tired. Sleepy. And not proof-reading this. Goodnight, family, acquaintances and friends.

~ Tanner. 

First of all, I wrote this is in different periods. Different days, different states of mind. Consider it a bit of a public journal entry of sorts... posting for reasons I'll go into deeper detail during the course of these scattered letters. The first half is composed of previous dates - the rest, this current evening.  Also Zurg illustrates how I felt after writing this palooza.

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I'm going to be quite truthful with this blog post, as it's technically my first blog 'post' rather than a little update or a story snippet.

After today I wanted to play some physical role in Academy, more than I ever have. Listening to everyone pray, feeling the love and worship that just everyone glows with on this wonderous week of weeks....

I accomplished a first; I wept silently in public for half an hour in the hallway just across from the boy's dressing room. For several reasons. I love everyone here/there more than I think anyone really knows. I felt like by not being able to come into my predestined roles, small as they were, I was letting everyone down in a way. Like I was letting all of you and God down by letting my body guide my actions. I was praying for everyone and for myself, because I did not know what to do. When I came to Academy today, the first person to greet me was Jacob and he said he wanted to know if I was mentally-well enough to perhaps just play the role of Father.

I prayed about that for at least... as long as I was upstairs, along with other things. The more I prayed the more I thought like I should accept his offer, but I was terrified and I realized I was scared out of my mind of letting everyone down in case my health would strike back. Then I would get conflicting signs, or feelings, in the strangest of ways with no real explanation. I would see Elisabeth walk by and suddenly feel like I would be the most help to her and everyone if I was mentally free to put the entirety of my heart and mind in prayer. But then I wondered if that was just Satan tempting me to find ways to say no to being physically involved. I was scared and I cried and I prayed. Rinse and repeat for a good while.

I left the building with the burning desire to be a part of Academy physically one more time. That was my Tanner-driven goal.

Then my heart rate and shakes of this evening told me something different.

God has his own plans. I now know in my heart that my soul and body will heal most correctly if I'm not as intimately involved with Academy physically as I had hoped. Everyone has an eternal outpouring of prayer from me, and I'll probably be crying again as I watch you all from either the crowd or hearing you from backstage - wherever the Lord wills I be. I don't entirely know why I'm posting this - I hope it does not cause any of thee the slightest tremor of worry or sadness. I've felt like I conceal far, far too much since this anxiety hit so hard and I want to feel more open to those I hold dear.

If you have patiently waded through this jumble of words, sentences and sentence fragments from your humble Tanner then I thank you and bless you.

I love you.

~ Tanner, 2/9/17 (Edited partially for clarity.)

-Update, 2/11/17

Today is the day, everyone. I'll be watching from the audience at what God's prepared. I cannot wait to see you all up there ministering as only you could with the Lord's strengthening. Have fun, you won't see all this malarkey until the day of or after. Praying and will be captivated with the rest of the audience, I'm certain. <3

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And now we come to the present. For some reason I don't particularly enjoy making blog posts about myself. I guess I don't feel like the entirety of larger-scale message like this is worth being dedicated to my own person. Insecurity problems perhaps?

My mental meltdown was caused last Saturday because I do not vent, hardly at all. Even to those I love. Because of that, I've decided on something different. The walls are down. If anyone is ever curious about anything I've said or haven't said, please, ask. I will promise an answer of complete truth.

My obsession with personal identity is partially at fault too. I don't know how to explain it, but... ahg. An example is Lissie's blog and Youtube channel. The thought of putting my face on Youtube for anyone to see terrified me for some reason, like nobody deserved to see my face if they didn't know who I was. And the thought of opening up to various people, even dear friends, via a public blog and revealing a decent deal much about what has been personally on my mind... I can't word it correctly but it struck fear into the deepest part of my heart, and rather intimidates me still.

At the risk of sounding like Yoda, bravery she has.

But deep down inside I wanted to have that mental freedom. And once again I came to the formerly invisible barrier: Fear.

I have been a fearful person at this time of my life. One time I even tried to pray by myself at church alone at night but simply couldn't because I felt like any second someone would come up behind me and stick a knife in my back in the silence. That sounds comical in retrospect, ehe...

I am changing this. During that week away from everyone I realized that to separate myself from those trustworthy is to destroy myself. For whatever reason I haven't found the ability to cry much in the last year, even if I wanted to and needed to. I've nearly done it thrice since the episode at Academy during prayer, though. It's debatable about whether or not that's a positive but it's felt better.

This is getting frightfully long and is going into the ground at this point, so I suppose I shall end it for now. There is honestly so much more.... Maybe for another day or in more private settings, if desired. This whole blog feels like one long sentence fragment of a mind's thoughts, largely due to thoughts on Academy and those in it. Like I said, another time, or more personally...

Thank you.

I love you. Truly.

~ Tanner Hayden

Mystica

Her bright violet eyes sleepily fluttered open, their gaze falling on the soaring treetops above. Between the thick blanket of branches and leaves, the moon’s rays creeped in, baking her in their pale, pure light. The girl smiled. It was time.

Sitting up from her bed of goldenrod, the girl blinked several times; accustoming back to reality. She wiped a speck from her eyes, shaking off the last traces of sleep. Easing herself out of bed, her silky white dress draped along the ground, causing each blade of grass to tingle and ring. She stepped forward knowingly into the woods around her, following the grassy path she had followed for years.  With each step she took deeper into the forest of moonlight, there was a musical ting. She smiled. The girl never tired of her daily passion; her reason for living. She waved a hand toward a nearby rose bush. Every flower flickered and hummed in harp-like symphony. She turned her gaze toward a row of lilacs. With another sweep of the hand, they swung and jingled in a bell like fashion. She giggled softly, even that forming a tiny melodic song. Within a few minutes she reached her favorite spot in the entire forest; her own little paradise among paradise.

She entered the smallish clearing in the forest, with a pool of clear, pure water in the center. A waterfall cascading from a stone hill above it; the moonlight reflecting off the water gave an aurora of pure beauty to the whole area. Flowers surrounded the clearing, which the girl peacefully made her way through. She came to the pool, its surface smooth and clear as polished glass, and simply let her mind wander. Minutes passed without a sound as she cleared her mind of any thought. Then, exhaling contently, the girl reached down and stroked the surface of the pool. The melodic chimes echoed throughout the clearing and out through the entire forest. Her silken white dress seemed to float off the ground as she felt utterly weightless. Her raven black hair waved majestically in an invisible wind of harmony. Closing her eyes and breathing in deeply, she stuck both arms directly out to her sides. Gathering her energy and concentrating, she gracefully began to spin on the tips of her toes. At first she began slowly, but soon picked up speed, though still as graceful as before. Then with a great leap, she flew into the air, waving her arms together calmly. Eyes still closed, she didn’t have to see what she was doing. She had been doing this for almost as long as she could remember. All around her, the flowers, the grass, the pool itself, hummed in unison. With each turn of her hands, the sound or tone changed. She touched back down to the ground, eyes shut but grinning in satisfaction. Then without warning, her eyes burst open and she sprinted around the clearing, arms wide out. The clearing’s chimes rose and fell with her movements, creating one of her favorite songs. It was her very first she had learned; the one her mother had taught her all those years ago. She pushed the thoughts from her mind however, as this required her full attention. She laughed joyfully as she jumped high into the air once more, this time nearly touching the tree top surface. She twirled on her way down, creating the chorus of the song in the process. Though she landed without an audible sound, the grass all around her bowed as if being pushed by a strong wind in a ripple effect. She had almost reached the end; her favorite part! She whispered the words her mother had taught her long before, in a language forgotten by all save for herself and the forest around her. At the sound of her words, the nature around her chimed and jingled into a single, great melody that would make the ears of anyone tingle, had anyone else been present. She uttered a single, final, word that she stretched out for about ten seconds. The pool created the most beautiful sounds of everything in the clearing, and it what was closed out the song. As the final sounds receded from her ears, the girl silently sat down. She smiled again; there was no way she could truly describe the way she felt during her music creation. It was as if the entire universe seemed to fade away, and all that could ever matter was the chords of of the songs.

Her favorite song always cleared up her deeper thoughts. She was having far too many of those lately. She had everything she could ever ask for in her home, and yet something still had been bothering her. Like a hole in her heart, one that she didn’t know how to fill or what to fill it with. Sighing, her smile faded. She absentmindedly twirled some grass, the sound bringing some ease to her mind. She had been doing this for nearly her entire life, hundreds of years at least. What was making it different now?

She glanced skyward, through the dense spider web of branches and toward the shower of moonlight. Was there something else, something out there that she was meant to find to fill this hole? Shaking her head, she lowered it back to the ground. There was no leaving her home, she wasn’t even sure if it was possible. She frowned. She had come here to get her mind off these thoughts, not to dwell on them. Shutting her eyes and exhaling in relief, she began to bend her fingers back and forth, beginning another song in the beautiful clearing. Her smile returned slowly as the melodies took hold of her heart. Nothing ever felt so right until she was in this mood. And if there was another way… she didn’t think about it. Not now. Maybe not ever.

She began her spin, the song picking up to chorus once more.

I suppose I ought to start out that I'm very, very new to this website and am going to attempt to improve in my knowledge of it before I use it actively.



~ Blessings